Category Archives: Uncategorized

Date: June 12, 2204 S.A.My Mood Is: crafty Annatar, Lord of Gifts, is back in business, and business is good. I have distributed all 16 of my Rings of Power, and now I’m just waiting for the payoff. The Dwarves were the easiest to trick — no surprise there, anything created by Aulë is going toContinue reading “#79: In Which I Go on a Gift-Giving Spree”

Date: July 10, 2030 S.A.My Mood Is: contemplative Well, here I am in Lugbúrz, looking out over my vast minions and domains, and considering that carbuncle on my ass known as Eriador. It seems I can invade and hold every inch of Middle-earth except the northwest. Every time I conquer the western lands, someone comes sailing over the SunderingContinue reading “#78: In Which I Reconsider My Strategy”

Date: March 25th, 1700 S.A.My Mood Is: fuck! shit!! damn!!! Fuck! Shit!! Damn!!! Every time things start to go my way, it all goes to shit! And – of course – on my birthday, too! I had Middle-earth all tied up — all tied up in a little red ribbon of flame, disease and death —Continue reading “#77: %$#@! &%*#!! @#$%!!!”

Date: March 12th, 1700 S.A.My Mood Is: really quite good, actually Things must really suck for poor ol’ Melkor. There he is, chained to the outside of the sky by the stinking treasonous Valar, freezing in the uttermost cold of The Void, and all he can do is look into Arda and watch as I,Continue reading “#76: I Am THIS CLOSE to Total Victory!!!”

Date: June 14th, 1697 S.A.My Mood Is: victorious Celebrimbor Silverhand, Lord of Eregion and Maker of the Elven Rings of Power, is sitting in his bathroom, crying. Seems he had been warned, by Galadriel and Elrond and Gil-Galad, not to trust “Annatar, Lord of Gifts.” Seems they told him not to collaborate with me. SeemsContinue reading “#75: I Have My Boot So Far Up Celebrimbor’s Ass He Can Smell My Toes”

Date: March 27th, 1601 S.A.My Mood Is: jubilant I AM A GOD. We all knew that, of course, but isn’t it nice to see it in person? Ladies and Gentlemen, Slaves and Thralls, I give you — Barad-dûr, the Dark Tower! Five thousand feet tall, 1,400 rooms, 223 staircases, 118 separate prisons and torture chambers; 450 storeys from the deepestContinue reading “#74: No, I Am Not Compensating for Anything”

Date: March 26th, 1601 S.A.My Mood Is: retributive They took off the Rings??? Un-FUCKING-believable. All this work down the drain. And all the Elven Rings needed was a simple spell to make them impossible to remove. And whose fault is this? Celebrimbor’s, of course! That double-dealing bastard! Alright, Sauron, calm down. Think. You can salvage the Master Plan. TheContinue reading “#73: Celebrimbor Must Pay for His Crimes”

Date: March 25th, 1601 S.A.My Mood Is: triumphant Today is the culmination of all my plans. Today, Sauron Gorthaur reappears and takes his rightful place as Lord of All Middle-earth. Today I am triumphant! And today is my birthday! So I’m liveblogging this. I want everyone to share in the glory of my inevitable victory. Pay attentionContinue reading “#72: LIVEBLOGGING: Sauron Gorthaur is Triumphant!!!!”

Date: March 15, 1523 S.A.My Mood Is: pleased Project Magic Ring, my co-effort with Celebrimbor of Eregion to create a series of powerful magic rings (hence the name), is proving a tremendous success. So far, the Elf and I have created 16 rings, each with a different enchantment on it that conveys upon the wearer aContinue reading “#71: Nineteen Rings for the Elven-kings Under the Sky”

Date: December 25, 1502 S.A.My Mood Is: conspiratorial So much to do, and so few centuries to do it. I’m ready to start building my Black Spiky Tower of Unimaginable Evil. All the pieces are in place, and I’ve pretty much cornered the Endorian market in obsidian. In the process, Mordor has shaped up nicely intoContinue reading “#70: I Have a Foolproof Plan Involving Magic Rings…”